Life is a fucking mystery...

Life is a fucking mystery...

Friday, January 29, 2010

5:34 PM

[UNWELL by MATCHBOX TWENTY]
All day starin' at the ceilin' makin' friends with shadows on my wall
All night hearing voices tellin' me that I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for somethin'
Hold on, feelin' like I'm headed for a breakdown
And I don't know why

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay a while and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know, right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be, me

I'm talkin' to myself in public, dodging glances on the train
And I know, I know they've all been talkin' about me
I can hear them whisper, and it makes me think
There must be somethin' wrong with me
Out of all the hours thinkin', somehow I've lost my mind

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay a while and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know, right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be

I've been talkin' in my sleep
Pretty soon they'll come to get me
Yeah, they're takin' me away

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay a while and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know, right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be yeah, how I used to be

How I used to be
Well, I'm just a little unwell
How I used to be, how I used to be
I'm just a little unwell

This is me.

4:52 PM

Yep the above song is kinda like how i feel now. Esp the part where it says "I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell." Cos im still in after shock. Getting very bad headaches at random moments. Just came home from doctor, I'm officially diagnosed with post trauma syndrome. Minor case, but must take medication to calm my very jittery nerves or will worsen. I feel like im really becoming off centre..

What i can't understand is why are all the horrible things happening to me. It's only so much a person can take. And im a teen, not a grown up. It makes a huge difference. I can't focus for a full 1 hour and that just totally sucks. The most i can reach is about 45 min. Then my mind starts wandering. And it's not like im thinking about happy stuff. Nope, it's the total opposite.

But i have to be strong. What else can i do? I have to live on, and behave as if nothing happened. Yst night while lying on my bed, tears came involuntarily and i started sobbing so hard that i could barely breathe. And to be honest, yes i did contemplate suicide. Not a very serious thought, but i went like "Maybe i should just die now and life wouldnt be so difficult. Yeah i think i should." and maybe it was fortunate that i fell asleep right after that... And in the morning i recalled what i had thought, and decided, nah, im not brave enough to do it, cos it does take lots of courage to end your own life. But at least in school today i was fairly normal, i didnt emo like how i did on thursday and i did laugh quite alot. Yeah but when im at home it's like this gloom is draped around my shoulders and i can't take it off. Though my parents are being very nice about it and are finally not at each other's throats. I know it's for my sake, and i really apreciate it. I'll blog a little something to Dee whenever i can. Will she able to see it, see me, or hear me?......

Hey Dee, i miss you so much. I've still not fully accepted the fact that you are gone. It just seems so impossible. Like im still waiting for next tuesday to arrive. Maybe you could pay me a visit at night? I'll be so happy. And guess what, we had to write an English compo today during our test. I chose the title "Beauty" and wrote about you. Like a true biography about our friendship. Was nearly in tears by the time i reached the end.. But i didnt cry. And im sure you are proud of that. :) Love you loads Dee...

I really sound like a crazy person, don't i.. But they say you aren't really crazy if you say you are. Crazy people dont ever admit that they are. Besides, the doctor said im not..

This is me.

9:40 PM

Dearest Dee,
How is it there? By now you should have known what had happened right.. It must be a real shock for you, cos as i heard it was instantaneous. How did you feel? What went through your mind? Did you think of your parents, your classmates, your homework, your tuition lessons? Did you think of me?...........

11 years ago we met each other. We started by introducing our names. You approached me first, "Hello im Desiree, what's your name?" and from then on we were inseparable. How amazing that was, how a friendship can start as simply as ours did. We went through 2 years of kindergarten together, but got into different primary schools. But that didnt stop us from seeing each other at least thrice a week. We were there for each other whenever either of us felt happy or sad, angry or depressed. I cried on your shoulders, and you cried on my pillow, literally we did.

In pri 4 i started calling you Dee, and it has become the most affectionate name i've ever called anyone. It suited you just right. And you loved it so much that you proudly announced to your mum that you had a new name, but only i could call you that. I was so proud of it, so proud of having you as my one and only Dee. You said we belong to only each other, and i was only too happy to agree.

PSLE results were revealed, and you surpassed me as expected. You cried because we couldnt be in the same secondary school. I remember thinking how adorable and silly you were to cry over this trivial matter. But i was very touched. We kept in touch as promised, and met up as when we could after school or during the weekends. How we chatted, laughed and had those meals together are still embedded deep in my mind. I'll never forget any single moment i spent with you.

Every year we never failed to celebrate each other's birthday together, regardless of it being on the actual day, or belated. Every year on my birthday we renewed our vow of friendship by buying a new set of friendship band/bracelet/keychain. It was your suggestion, and i asked why on my birthday. You said it was the day when your bestest friend was born. So i asked why cant it be on your birthday, and you said because mine came first.

From last November till this year I haven't seen you due to our busy schedules. We were supposed to meet up next Tuesday. But seems like that day will never ever arrive. When i received your mum's phone call yst night, i totally broke down and couldnt accept this painful truth. I wonder if you were watching me nearby when i cried non-stop. I even continued doing my homework as per normal cos i didnt want you to see me losing it. I was devastated. Then i felt hurt. I couldnt understand why you had to leave me just like that. I couldnt. And it pains me through and through. To lose such a great friend like you. How am i supposed to live on without you? How Dee, tell me how........ Why did it have to be you? You're an only child, you're pretty, smart and kind. Why couldnt it be me instead? What am i gonna do now? I feel so empty. I feel so...... dead.......

This is me.

3:12 PM

Omggg, so darn hot! Which makes me start emo-ing cos i STILL havent bought his album yet. BROKE. And new year is approaching! I need more clothes! I have like 3 new sets but it isnt enough for me, seriously. my mum keeps saying it's more than enough. haix.

Anyway, I finally finished reading OFF CENTRE yst. It's HILARIOUS!!! Ok, i know it isnt nice to be laughing about ppl with mental illnesses, but the content is just soo funny. and the way the characters speak, it's so singapore you know (well duh me, cos it's a singapore play).
And here's my favourite part! [Act 3/ Scene 1]

PC:Then what is the problem? You don't know how to say bad word is it? You know how to say bad word?

Vinod:Yes sir.

PC:You got balls or not?

Vinod:Yes sir.

PC:I cannot hear you.

Vinod:Yes sir!

PC:Recruit, I cannot hear you.
Vinod:Yes sir!
PC:Yes sir what?
Vinod:I have sir.
PC:You have what?
Vinod:I have balls sir.
PC:I cannot hear you recruit.
Vinod:I have balls sir!
PC:What?
Vinod:I have balls sir! I HAVE BALLS SIR. I HAVE BALLS SIR. I HAVE BALLS SIR. I HAVE BALLS SIR...
Sgt Mok:Sir...
Vinod:I HAVE BALLS SIR. I HAVE BALLS SIR...
Mok:Sir...
PC:Ok, Vinod that's enough.
Vinod:I HAVE BALLS SIR. I HAVE BALLS SIR...

Sergeant Mok goes to Vinod and tries to silence him, with great difficulty. He fails. PC has to get involved. Finally, Vinod is silenced.

PC:You are a bloody bastard, you know that?! Huh Vinod? You know that?! You are not fit to be in the army! You are not fit to fight for your country!! You expect other people to fight for you is it? Is it?!! Just die lah. Ok, Vinod? Just die. [slight pause] Do it for your country.

IM LAUGHING SO HARD RIGHT NOW! Im not getting tired of this. The moment i read it, or just think of it i will start laughing. And i think yujie might have schizophrenia cos one of the symptom is inappropriate laughter, and i think he displays this symptom very very often indeed... And he imitated Vinod repeating the "I have balls sir" part which was so freaking funny too! Ok, i should really stop. But sometimes, i feel very off centre too... Hmmmmm....

This is me.

5:52 PM

Ok so for the very very first time, chem lesson was actually fun. Why? because it WASN'T chem lesson! mr liu reminiscised about his JC days and it was totally hilarious, esp when he said his physics teacher spoke to the whiteboard/wall and he tried to imitate him. I laughed so freaking hard at that! cos his face was like only 1cm away from the whiteboard. And his hair was hilarious too! the fringe was like slanted across his forehead, like girl! and the length was weird. so throughout the whole lesson we asked about him and his life, like how he became a teacher and all that. To think he actually thought teachers were losers.... Haha. Having said all these, yes he can be a fun and nice teacher, but umm, sorry, still no heart-felt liking for him.

Life at home is utter chaos and it's really horrible. I just wanna hide forever and not face it every single day. Weekdays are still ok cos i will be in school. Weekends are pure hell. Can someone say "Gives You Hell" right in my face? But at least i know i have friends whom i can trust and support me when im on the verge of falling flat on my face.

What i said was never meant to hurt you. I know u were hurt before and hence get easily angry when reminded of it. But trust me, I will never do any of that. You should learn to let go and stop being over-sensitive. Always here for you...

This is me.

3:32 PM

Alright im extremely happyyyy now! Reached home at abt 2.40pm. Went to tiong bahru plaza with him. Lol i rushed to clementi and changed into home clothes in record time (i've nvr changed my clothes so quickly before) and we coincidentally took the same train from clementi (he was alr on board the train at lakeside), and he said he could see me but i just couldnt see where was he. Then he kept smsing me say whether i saw him alr, and the funnier i tot it was cos i just couldnt! And he said he could see me laughing while reading his sms. So on it went till we reached tiong bahru and it turned out that we were only one carriage away. That's for being short and having only a limited range of visual area. :)

Walked around aimlessly and chatted random stuff meaning like practically everything and anything. It's quite an old shopping mall thus the limited shops. Went to popular to buy 2010 calendars, then went to a few shops to look for clothes but they were either too ex or just not suitable. Actually set my eyes on one yellow striped sleeveless hoodie but when i tried it on it didnt look nice. Browsed through dvds, then continued looking for things to buy. Ended up buying a high-waist/hip belt with this super cute (and big) ribbon in front. Then also wanted to buy 2 hairbands n a pair of earrings, but just as i was abt to pay, he said he will pay for those. How sweet is that... :) And finally bought a new black wallet.

Had subway for lunch. Oh i forgot to mention, throughout he was carrying all my stuff and my shoe-bag too. What a gntleman. Aww, im touched, i really am. Parted ways at mrt station cos he needed to work. Then he smsed me to say he forgot to pass me a little card he wrote for me. Isn't this getting sweeter every moment? So he texted the contents to me and said another day then write another one n give me. :) Cute, absolutely cute. But i feel bad for not giving/buying anything for him today though he keeps insisting tat there's no need to. So i will do it the next time. :) which i hope is real soon. cos i will be getting busier and so will he when he starts jc...

Thank you for making today such a great day!

This is me.

3:50 PM

He is sooo hot!!! I will never get tired of him. Album out on the 15th of Jan, darn excited!!!! Yay tmr early dismiss! Going out with him. YESSS IM HAPPY!!! :D so much has happened between us, not everyth has been exactly smooth sailing, but with patience n understanding we got over them. Esp after the release of Os results. And i cant help but announce: I GOT A1 FOR MY CHI Os!!!! Yes i know it's stupid and inconsiderate to boast like this, but this is after all MY blog, and there is FREEDOM OF SPEECH for everyone u know :) but that's like one subject down, i gotta focus on my other 5 subjects to ace this year. I hope, and of course, want to do well. Well that's all, life hasn't exactly been interesting lately. I'm always complaining to junwei, who is sitting beside me this year, how stressed i am. And he feels the same too, fortunately. But come to think of it, i think everyone feels like this right now... Gambatte everyone! :D

This is me.

6:25 PM

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!!!! IT'S 2010!!!!!!

Thur went to Broadway Plaza Kbox at abt 10pm with my relatives and their friends and neighbours. Total got at least 20 people. The rooom wasnt big enough for us so it was kinda crammed. And not to mention that the adults were smoking. AND BEST OF ALL, BEER FEAST! TIGER TIME!!!! My aunt ordered jugs of tiger, and the waitress was like asking "any juice, soft drink?" then my aunt replied "no no, all tiger beer." and the waitress was like O.o and ask "then.... the children?" "no all drink beer!" HAHAHA tat was hilarious. And besides, some of my cousin's neighbours are pure gangsters. But they are fun ppl, just that they smoke too. 10 min to countdown we all went out and counted with the kbox staff and other ppl there. Ambience was wayyy hiiiiigh!

Played all sorts of games and loser(s) had to drink up. Esp qiao qiao bei, super funnnn!!!! Then just went crazy and sang, screamed, shouted, laughed, and drank. Got pretty drunk but fortunately still quite sober. 4am then went home. LOL :D

And tat was like the coolest and most crazily fun new year countdown ever! Yayyyy!!!!!!!

This is me.

I'm realistic, true and factual.
I don't take too much of a load of bullshit, so know my limits.
This world is fake enough, so don't add on to it by pretending to be someone you are not.
Never expect me to change into what you want me to become. I indulge in the fact that I am who I am and embrace it.
You're beautiful, don't let others tell you otherwise.
Anything else anyone is unhappy with about me, I really don't give a fuck.

▪ ~~Contact lenses~~
▪ See Justin Bieber in person!
▪ Lose weight, be slimmer!!!
▪ A personal laptop
▪ A personal digital camera
▪ More money (which will definitely settle many other things)
▪ A happier family

Gwendolyn
Teresa
Humairah

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